In the realm of Gaia, where chocobos roam wild and moogles kupo with great aplomb, a hero stood contemplatively before a serene, secluded pond--a sacred oasis nestled in the elbow of a lush, emerald forest. With hair as spiky as a cactuar and a build sculpted by endless battles against the scum of Shinra, Cloud Strife was a sight to behold. A combination of countless squats and wielding the hefty Buster Sword had given him gluteal muscles which could crush materia into dust -- not that he'd ever put that theory to the test. "Need a break," Cloud muttered to himself, as he removed his hefty sword and leather armor, revealing the shimmering physique of a SOLDIER. He wasn't one for skinny dipping, but today, the pond called to him--a call he couldn't resist. With a graceful swan dive, he slipped into the water as smoothly as a Turk's lie, creating barely a splash. The water hugged his frame, every droplet complimenting the firmness of his toned body. As he settled in the pool, his muscles relaxed, and a blissful sigh escaped his lips. His skin shone with a sheen of liquid crystals under the dappled sunlight, as if the Lifestream itself bathed him in its glow. Positioning himself at the edge of the pond, Cloud rested his chin on his crossed arms atop the mossy bank, his cerulean eyes half-closed in utter relaxation. Mako-infused irises reflected the canopy above, creating an image of tranquility. "Nothing beats a quiet moment, uh," Cloud murmured, content in his solitude. As minutes ticked by, an errant frog ribbitted, creating ripples across the surface. Cloud's mind, usually a whirlwind of thoughts about Sephiroth or saving the world, unwound until he was nothing but part of the scenery--a muscular adornment to the already picturesque setting. Feeling an unusual stirring in his innards, Cloud realized that perhaps the combination of moogle cakes and Gysahl Greens from last night's feast hadn't agreed with him as well as he'd hoped. The tightness in his abdomen grew, and a contemplative look crossed his face. "Guess what goes in must come out," Cloud reasoned aloud, a philosophical note to his voice. Then, without further ado or concern for his aquatic companions, he lifted his body slightly and let nature take its course. A sonorous bubbling echoed forth, rippling the water's surface with gusto. A series of resonant plops harmonized with the peaceful rustling of leaves. Cloud leaned back, a smirk touching his well-formed lips as he felt an unparalleled sense of release. Even materia creation was no match for the relief that came from a well-timed expulsion of internal gases. "Begone, foul vapors," Cloud quipped, chortling at his own brazen act in the middle of paradise. But paradise was not to remain untouched. Below the surface, a school of tiny, vibrant fish faced the onslaught of stinky silt bubbles rising from the legendary SOLDIER. One by one, they floated lifelessly to the surface, their final moments spent in a mako-induced haze of noxious fumes. "Oh, didn't see that coming," Cloud commented with an eyebrow raised, as he witnessed the fallout of his gas attack. "That's one way to go fishing, I guess." The buck-naked hero shook his head, his blonde spikes swishing water around him. He lifted himself out of the water, taking a moment to slap his own derriere, as it deserved its own round of applause for its endurance, and let out a hearty, unabashed laugh. "You know, this was supposed to be a day off, but it looks like I've got some cleaning up to do," he said, turning his attention to the casualties of his bubbling relief. With a grin, Cloud dressed back into his attire, resolved to honor the escapade as another unexpected adventure. As he sauntered away from the pond, each step was full of a lightness only true release could bring, and he thought to himself, "Who knew saving the world would involve clearing out ponds too?" And thus the tale of Cloud Strife's 'Pond of Purgation' was born, to be retold at taverns across the land, much to the rosy-cheeked Cloud's chagrin -- and fish everywhere trembled when they heard the feared name of this warrior and his deadly derriere.